


Sad Sean

by Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-26
Updated: 2011-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-26 13:22:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/283671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sean has a lot on his mind. Elijah is bound and determined to hear it all. This takes place the night Sean did a signing for the, just released, extended DVD of 'Fellowship of the Ring'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sad Sean

>   
> _Funeral in His Heart - October Project_
> 
> He had a dream   
> Haunting him at night   
> It would fly into his hands   
> So he tried to cage it   
> But he only made it fly away
> 
> He heard a song   
> It was running through his mind   
> It was singing from the past   
> So he tried to sing it   
> But he found he could not make it last.
> 
> The world is falling apart   
> He's getting older   
> And there's a funeral in his heart
> 
> He was alone   
> With a picture of his life   
> On the outside looking in   
> So he tried to change it   
> But he lost the person he had been
> 
> The world is falling apart...
> 
> Thunder moving under the mountain   
> Thunder in his dreams   
> Hoping that there must be a word   
> For everything he means

The signing had gone well, Sean thought. He was amazed at the number of people who told him they were buying the extended DVD even though they already had purchased the theater version. Surprised and grateful. Ringers were the greatest!

He turned his car onto Wilshire Boulevard and pointed it toward home. He felt restless, but it was late and for the life of him he couldn't think of anything to do other than go home. There was a time, he thought, when he'd been able to find fun in this town at any hour. But those days were gone.

His cell phone startled him by ringing. It was odd for it to ring at this hour. Alarmed, he quickly checked the caller ID, worried that it might be Chris calling to describe some emergency at home. But the screen didn't glow with Chris' name. It spelled out: Elijah.

Sean hesitated, his thumb hovering over the 'Talk' button. His stomach had dipped when he'd seen Elijah's name on the screen. His breath had caught in his throat. He wasn't sure he could deal with Elijah's voice at 2 AM. At any hour it took effort, but there was something about hearing it at this hour that was especially disturbing.

"Maybe he's hurt." His mind threatened. "Maybe he needs you."

He quickly thumbed the button: "Hey." He said softly. "How ya doing?"

"Hey yourself!" Elijah replied, his voice razor-sharp and full of energy. "Thought I'd try to catch you after the signing. Where are you?"

Sean glanced around him. "Um, I'm on Wilshire just passing South Union."

"Come and get me."

"What?" Sean felt his stomach dip again. "That's fear!" his mind instructed. He felt warning seep into his veins like a narcotic, oddly warm, strangely compelling.

"Come and get me." Elijah repeated, his voice low.

For a moment Sean was silent. And when he finally breathed he was amazed to discover that he hadn't been. "Lij?" he murmured, voice rising in question.

"No!" poured into his ear. "No no no nonono! We have to talk. So don't even think about not doing it, Sean."

"Lij." Sean breathed. Then he sighed. "Where are you?"

"I'm at home! Where the hell else would I be at 2 AM?"

His tone subtlety challenged and Sean slid into resentment without a backward glance. "How the hell would I know?" he snapped. "Out somewhere with DOM?"

The silence was frightening, and Sean wondered which one of them would break it for mere seconds before he broke it himself. Clumsily. Glad that Lij couldn't see his blush.

"Lij. I'm sorry. That was stupid of me."

"Come and get me." The voice was still low. But now it shook. With anger? Pain? Both? Sean's body involuntarily clenched in a wince.

"Sean, if you don't come and get me I'm going to come straight to your house and bang on the fucking door until either you answer it or your wife does! So you had better point that damn car at my house right fucking now!"

The phone went dead in Sean's hands while Elijah's voice still thundered through his mind, his body. He replaced the phone in its holder and eased his car into the turn lane. Elijah's place was five minutes from here, but in the opposite direction. He wheeled into a MacDonald's and out again just as quickly, headed in the other direction.

"Fuck!" Sean spat, slamming his hand onto the steering wheel. But even as his body acted out protest, he knew in some quieter place inside him that Elijah was right. They needed to talk.

The miles to his house went too quickly. Sean's mind card-cataloged through every calming technique he'd ever learned, passing over some, and trying others. But his hands still shook as he turned into Elijah's driveway and he was uncertain that his voice wouldn't expose his fear with his first words. He decided to stay as silent as possible.

While Sean was still wondering if he should turn the engine off, a small body darted out of the house and ran to the passenger door. He turned away as Elijah got into the car, but it was a useless gesture. Sean didn't have to see him. Elijah filled the car with his presence without saying a word or taking up anymore space than a child. Sean's chest was tight with his nearness. His hands shook with the reality of Elijah sitting next to him.

He felt Elijah punch him lightly in the shoulder. "Hey, dude," he said quietly. "Thanks for coming to get me."

Sean grinned and wheeled the car, turning it toward the street again. "You threatened me!" He said, laughing. He heard Elijah laugh softly in response and turned toward him, feeling in control enough to risk seeing him.

He was pressed half-sideways against the corner of the passenger seat, all legs and eyes and blue denim. Wordlessly Sean gestured to the seat belt and Elijah sighed as he wrapped it around him. Sean heard it click solidly and raised his eyes to see Elijah mugging. "All buckled and everything in an upright position, captain," he quipped, smiling.

Sean didn't smile back. "Where we going?" He asked, gesturing toward the road with a waving index finger.

Elijah shrugged. "Dunno. Anywhere we can talk. Someplace quiet. Someplace dark."

"Why dark?" Sean asked, curious.

"Don't know that either." Elijah replied. "Just feels like it'd be more comfortable."

Sean pulled cautiously into traffic, still with no real idea where he was going. "You uncomfortable with me, Lij?" He asked softly, feeling an aching sadness welling up within him. God, he'd never be able to talk about all this! Even thinking about it left him breathless.

"No." Elijah said slowly. "But then, I'm not the one who's doing the avoiding. That would be you."

"Avoiding?" Sean asked quietly. "Have you been more available than I? "

There was no answer and after a moment Sean turned to look. Elijah was a dark shape that stared back at him in silence. "Head down Highway One for a while, OK?" He requested. "I'd like to see the ocean."

Sean nodded and turned toward the freeway. He drove for a long time while absolute silence filled the car to overflowing. His teeth clenched against his need to talk above the emptiness. He wondered why it troubled him so, and had only begun to search for an answer when he was startled by the sound of Elijah's voice.

"Sean? Is it OK if I smoke?" His voice was small, and as Sean glanced toward him he seemed to curl in upon himself, becoming even smaller. Sean felt his entire being dissolve with tenderness.

"Of course, it's OK," he murmured. "I just worry 'cause it's bad for you.'

Elijah spun the wheel of his lighter and Sean caught the image of his face, illuminated in the lighter's flame, golden and glowing and beautiful. The image seared into Sean's mind for the merest instant before the darkness claimed Elijah again. But it was enough.

Elijah began to go through the CD case that was lying between them. He reached to turn on the overhead light and continued flipping through the CD's, mumbling. Finally he lifted his head. "Billy Joel, Sean? Who's that?"

Sean glanced at him quickly and was rewarded with a wink. "Glad you winked," Sean said dryly. "I was starting to worry about you."

Elijah laughed softly then pulled a CD out holding it up to read the songs. "Peter Gabriel," he said softly. "I know this guy. I like some of his stuff." He glanced up at Sean and held the CD toward him. "Can we play this?"

Wordlessly, Sean took the CD and inserted it into the player. As the first song began Elijah tilted his head toward it, listening with interest.

The wretched desert takes it's form,   
The jackal proud and tight,   
In search of you I feel my way,   
Through slowest heaving night   
Whatever fear invents,   
I swear it make no sense   
I reach out through the border fence   
Come down, come talk to me

"Looks like I picked the right CD," he said in an undertone.

In the swirling curling storm of desire   
Unuttered words hold fast   
With reptile tongue the lightning lashes   
Towers built to last   
Darkness creeps in like a thief   
And offers no relief   
Why are you shaking like a leaf?   
Come on, come talk to me

Ah please talk to me   
Won't you please talk to me   
We can unlock this misery   
Come on, come talk to me

I did not come to steal   
This all is so unreal   
Can't you show me how you feel   
Come on, come talk to me

Come talk to me, come talk to me

Sean tried not to listen to the plaintive wail of Gabriel's voice. He tried to ignore the significance of the words. He fixed his eyes on the road ahead and tried with every ounce of strength within him to block out everything except the dark highway and the white lines of the road. Drive, he told himself savagely. Just fucking drive and don't think about anything.

But his passenger knew him too well. Elijah saw Sean bite his lower lip and wished for a moment that he'd picked a less intense CD as the background music for their drive. But then his ears caught another stanza and he knew he'd made the right choice.

I can imagine the moment   
Breaking out through the silence   
All the things that we both might say   
And the heart it will not be denied   
'Til we're both on the same damn side   
All the barriers blown away

"Oh, Sean," he breathed. "Did you hear that? That was wonderful!"

Sean nodded but said nothing; Elijah saw his hand clutch the steering wheel even tighter.

"That's kind of what I want," Elijah said softly. "For us to end up on the same damn side."

"I thought we WERE on the same side, Lij," Sean said just as softly.

Elijah tentatively reached out as though he intended to touch Sean's arm, then hesitated and withdrew his hand. Sean was staring straight ahead and missed the gesture completely. "We used to be," Elijah responded. "But, there are barriers there now. They have to be blown away. That's why I want us to talk, Sean."

Sean glanced at him. "We will, Lij. Let's just get someplace where we can stop the car first, OK? I don't want to talk while I'm driving."

Elijah nodded. "Los Flores isn't far. There's a road there that leads to a little beach. Let's go there. No one will be there at this hour."

Sean nodded without speaking and Elijah leaned his head back against the passenger seat, listening to the music and thinking. He could feel the tension between him and Sean, and he hated it. He'd always felt completely at ease around Sean. No reason not to. Sean made it clear from the day they met that he would always take care of Elijah. Always be there for him. Always do everything he could to make life good for Elijah.

He knew he'd taken advantage of Sean now and then, especially in New Zealand. He'd been younger then, and less apt to recognize when he made unfair use of how completely Sean was devoted to his happiness. He'd realize he'd crossed some kind of line when Sean would suddenly become subtly unavailable. Never a cross word. Never the slightest suggestion of rejection. Just suddenly... not there quite as much.

And Elijah would be as quick to apologize as Sean was to forgive. In moments the comforting closeness would be back. Sean's arm would be around him. Sean's voice would be in his ear teasing and laughing. And Elijah could breathe again.

But this time was different. This time Sean wore his distance like a knight wears his armor. The very posture of his body radiated a visceral need for protection that had never before been a part of their relationship. Elijah didn't feel confident anymore. He felt frightened. And what frightened him the most wasn't the fact that he didn't know what he'd done wrong. No. What frightened him the most was the fact that he didn't think he HAD done anything wrong. That this was something so far beyond the minor differences they'd experienced so far as to render them meaningless. An inner demon had awakened deep inside of Sean. Something terrifying and profound. Elijah wasn't sure he could make this go away. He wasn't sure he could fight this demon. He was only sure he was going to try.

He noticed a street sign and sat up, pointing. "There it is. The turnoff is just up here." He peered into the darkness. "Watch close, Sean, or we'll miss it."

"We won't miss it," Sean growled, spinning the wheel and guiding the car onto a small dirt road. He slowed and turned to Elijah. "Is this it? Are you sure where this goes? I'm not sure I could back us out of here if we hit a dead end or something."

"This is it," Elijah reassured him. "The ocean is right down there." He opened the passenger window and stuck his body half way out. "I can hear it, Sean!"

"Get back in the car." Sean said, pulling on his jacket. "Lijah! Stop leaning out like that."

"Ohhhh!" Elijah protested. "OK!" He climbed back into the car and pointed down the road. "I can hear it, Sean. Straight ahead."

Sean carefully wove his way down the dark path, for it was little more than that, until his headlights suddenly illuminated a stretch of beach. He pulled the car only a little way onto the sand before he shut the engine off. The sudden silence in the car, punctuated only by the sound of their breathing and the more distant crashing of the surf, was unsettling.

Sean unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face Elijah. For a long moment they stared at each other, then Elijah opened his door and bolted for the ocean. Sean watched him run toward the water with his arms lifted high, a wild cry pouring from his throat. Elijah embraced the elements as though he were part of them. A sense of awed wonder filled Sean's heart, and suddenly Tolkien's words ignited in his mind: "I love him. He's like that, and sometimes it shines through, somehow. But I love him, whether or no."

He opened his door and walked out onto the sand, watching Elijah. He was dashing into and out of the rising surf, undoubtedly soaking his feet and legs in the process. Sean smiled and climbed up on the hood of his car to sit. After he situated himself against the windshield, he turned back to watch Elijah again. But he wasn't there.

Sean looked up and down the beach. No Elijah. The tide! He thought, feeling a twist of panic hit his stomach. Could it have... He jumped from his car and started walking quickly toward the shoreline. "Lij!" he yelled, looking around again. "Elijah!"

"What?" His voice answered quietly, from just to Sean's left.

Sean wheeled and spotted him, walking toward the car, indistinct in the dark. "I couldn't see you." Sean stammered. "I thought maybe… " He let his words trail off, hoping Elijah wouldn't enquire further. He should have known better.

"Thought maybe... what?" He asked quietly. His soaked legs and shoes made a slushy sound as they walked back to the car. "Did you think I'd fallen in?" He grinned and hopped up on the hood.

Leaning over, Sean pressed his hands against the warm hood of his car, wondering how to respond to Elijah's question.

"I couldn't see you," Sean repeated, hoping that would be enough. Glancing up, he saw that Elijah was shivering. The night was chill and Elijah was soaked from the cold water of the Pacific. "Let's get in the car," Sean suggested. "I'll turn the heat on."

"I'm OK," Elijah responded, shaking his shoulders.

"You're shivering," Sean protested. "Please, Lij." He longed to take Elijah's hand in his to see if it was cold, but forced himself not to reach for it.

Elijah looked at him long and hard. He didn't utter a sound. Then he shook his head. "You worry so much about me not having heat, but seem to think it's OK when I don't have things that mean a lot more."

"Such as... " Sean prompted.

"Such as you," Elijah replied.

"Wait a minute, Lij," Sean protested, but Elijah held up his hand, still shaking his head, and Sean quieted at once.

"Let me tell you how I've experienced it, Sean," Elijah said softly.

Sean's head dropped, but Elijah wouldn't allow it and reached for him, tipping his chin up until their eyes locked and held.

"I never see you," Elijah recited, his voice low and quivering slightly. "I send you email, you don't respond. I leave you voice mail, you don't call me back. I get you on the phone, and you have to go. I come into a room, you walk out of it. And the other day at PJ's party, I reached out my hand to touch you... was actually reaching to grab a piece of paper that was stuck in your hair... and you winced and ducked away."

As he spoke to Sean his eyes became radiant in the dark. But the radiance caused Sean drag his eyes away from their union with Elijah's and look fixedly at the shifting ocean.

"I don't have you in my life anymore, Sean," Elijah continued. "And I don't even know why."

He slid off the hood and stood in front of Sean. "Look at me," Elijah breathed. "Damn it, the least you can do is look at me."

Sean turned his face toward Elijah, misery marking every feature. "OK, Lij," he whispered. "I'll look at you."

Elijah's fingers dug into Sean's shoulders and shook him hard. His voice still trembled, but it was also filled with the vehemence of one who was prepared to fight for what they want. "If I have to lose my Samwise I want to at least know why!"

Sean tried to speak but couldn't. He grabbed Elijah's hands and lifted them from his shoulders. His head was down, and Elijah leaned toward him, struggling to hear anything Sean might say. For a long time the only sounds were the ocean's breakers crashing against the sand and Sean's shaky breathing.

At last he raised his head, still holding Elijah's hands in his. He looked past Elijah and tried to speak. "It's not like that, Lij." Elijah felt Sean's hands tighten on his. "I swear to you it's not like that."

Elijah saw Sean's face twist in a way that was shatteringly familiar. He was trying desperately not to cry. His mind flashed to the boat scene. Take after weary take. Sobbing and clutching each other. And again. And again. And one more. Until finally it was over and the struggle not to cry became greater than the initial struggle to release the tears their scene required.

Elijah remembered Sean trying to joke with him. Wiping away his tears while his own face twisted with anguish. Finally they both gave up. They huddled together on the shoreline, sobbing onto each other's shoulders until there were no more tears left.

Is he that sad now? Elijah wondered.

"Are you sad, Seanie?" He asked. He tried to lift his hand to stroke Sean's hair but Sean held it fast.

"I have sad days," Sean told him, shrugging.

"Please tell me what's wrong," Elijah said in a low voice. He wrenched his hands free from Sean's grasp and laid them on either side of Sean's face. "Listen to me," he said, urgently. "Listen to what I'm saying. I'm begging you to talk to me! That's not a word I use often, Sean. But I'm using it now. I'm begging you!"

"Shhhh! Baby, hush!" Sean implored him. He lifted his hands and covered Elijah's as they rested on his face. "Tell you what," he said quietly. "If you get in the car and let me turn the heat on so you can get warm, I'll tell you as much as I can." He looked into Elijah's eyes. "Deal?"

Elijah looked at him steadily, then grinned. "It's a deal." Sean started to move toward the car, but Elijah grabbed his arm. "Wait."

Sean stopped and looked at him, his hazel eyes dark in the moonlight. "Wait for what, little hobbit?"

"Hold me for a minute."

Sean hesitated. "Lij," he said slowly. "Maybe I shouldn't."

"Why?" Elijah asked. "Jesus, Sean. I didn't ask you to shag me! I just wanted a hug!" He was obviously hurt and wheeled quickly toward the car.

Sean lunged after him and grabbed his arm hard, spinning Elijah around and into Sean's body where he was quickly enveloped. "Wait," Sean murmured into his hair. "Just please wait."

Elijah struggled for only a moment before becoming completely still. Sean's embrace had pinned his arms against his body and he couldn't move. His head tipped forward slightly, grazing Sean's jacket. He made no sound.

Sean was listening to the sound of his own breath becoming tremulous. He knew the moment he reached for Elijah's arm that feeling their bodies pressed together was going to nearly overwhelm him, but he also knew he had no choice. He had to hold him. Not just because Elijah wished it. But because the pressure inside him demanded some form of contact. He needed to touch him.

He pressed his face against Elijah's hair with his mouth very near Elijah's ear. When he spoke, his voice was husky. His words shattering like glass from the quaking of his breathing.

"Jesus Christ, would you please listen to me?"

Silence.

Another grating whisper. "Please don't be angry. I do want to…" He couldn't say 'hold you'. The words simply wouldn't form on his lips. "… hug you."

Sean felt Elijah's body relax against his, leaning on him gently. He lifted his arms until they were around Elijah's neck and felt Elijah's hands begin to move over his back.

"OK," Elijah murmured against Sean's jacket. "OK."

Sean closed his eyes and pressed his face against Elijah's hair. He inhaled deeply, trying to control his breathing without much success. There was contentment in this embrace that made it so hard to let go. A safety that seemed elusive anywhere else, and he felt his arms tighten.

The word 'refuge' breathed in Sean's mind. God, he didn't want to let go. "I wish... " he began, then stopped. He pressed his lips against Elijah's hair, hoping Elijah didn't notice what could have passed for a very soft kiss.

"Wish what?" Elijah asked

"Never mind," Sean replied, shaking his head and forcing himself to lean back from their embrace. "Get in the car now. You promised you'd let me get you warm."

"But, Seanie," Elijah said with a roguish grin. "You already GOT me warm!"

Sean scowled and shoved Elijah gently toward the passenger door. "Just get in the damned car," he growled.

Once inside the car Sean quickly started the engine and turned the heat onto high. Elijah smiled as Sean manipulated every vent in the front seat to point at him.

"Sean, Sean," Elijah half-crooned. "God, I'm not that cold."

Sean glanced up at him, looking embarrassed. "Oh." He leaned back against the driver's door. His foot was propped against the storage compartment between them. One hand played with the steering wheel.

"Thanks, though," Elijah said mildly.

Sean shrugged and ducked his head, looking, to Elijah, like a 12 year old who'd been caught doing something mushy. He longed with all his heart to throw himself over the storage compartment and straight into Sean's arms. He yearned to be nestled there, safe and warm.

"Sanctuary," Elijah breathed, unconsciously, feeling a terrible sadness fill him at the thought that he would not be welcomed there.

"Why don' t you like me anymore?" He cried.

Sean's eyes flew open and he leaned forward as though he'd been electrically shocked. "What?" He asked, his voice thunderstruck. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"I told you. Outside. I already told you," Elijah mumbled.

Sean leaned toward him further and when he spoke his voice was soft, and filled with entreaty. "And I told you it wasn't like that."

Elijah pointed at his denim jacket. "If I told YOU this was made of bright red silk, would you believe me?"

Sean dropped his head slightly, then glanced up at Elijah. "Do you want to hear?"

Sean sighed. He kept leaning forward, as though he wanted to be nearer to Elijah when he spoke. "Even though it was the best experience in my life, New Zealand was also hard on me in a lot of ways. You know that. I did my best. I tried not to hurt anyone. And I wouldn't change anything that happened there."

Elijah glanced up at him.

"Anything," Sean repeated.

A slow smile crept across Elijah's face.

"But now," Sean said slowly. "I feel so… " he hesitated for a long moment. " ... so abandoned," he finally finished.

"By WHO?" Elijah shot back, his voice crackling.

Sean held up his hand to silence him. "Are you going to let me talk?"

Elijah slumped back against the passenger door, his head back, his eyes staring at the ceiling. "Yes," he sighed. "Talk."

"Not just abandoned," Sean continued. "I feel... " After a long moment he shook his head and made a self-deprecating sound. "Oh, I don't know! Since I saw the extended DVD I've felt like... " He shook his head again and lowered it. "Damaged goods."

"WHAT?!" Elijah exclaimed sitting up and staring at him open-mouthed, clearly astonished. "What are you talking about, Sean?"

"I've lived in this kind of... " Sean seemed to search for a word. He shook his head as if despairing of finding one that really worked. "Oh, fuck, I don't know! Like I've been in a plastic bubble or something. I never really realized how I appear to other people." He shrugged. "I guess I was in some kind of denial."

"Denial about WHAT?" Elijah said, still obviously upset. "Sean, I have no clue what you're talking about."

"On the extended DVD!" Sean said vehemently. "Listen to all of you! Listen to me! It's so clear, Elijah. Clearer than I've ever seen it before. How damaged I am. How clearly it shows." For a long moment he was quiet, then he drew a shuddering breath. "God, it was hard to see that! Harder yet to realize it!"

He looked up at Elijah. "I was the butt of everyone's jokes."

"Sean," Elijah murmured, slowly, comfortingly. "Come on now. We were all teased on that DVD! All of us! Hell, you were all laughing at me for farting! We were all the butt of the joke at times."

"That's true, Elijah," Sean said softly. "But we all weren't laughed at for behavior that was clinically neurotic. My obsession with safety… checking on everyone to see they do their job, directing helicopter traffic, checking for exits at the rugby game." Sean sighed heavily and looked down at his hands.

Elijah started to speak again but Sean held up his hand, asking him to wait.

"It got me thinking," Sean said in that same soft, wounded voice. "About how many times the three of you would laugh at me." He lifted his head and looked into Elijah's eyes. "Dom would mock me and say some flippant thing... and you'd laugh, Elijah. You'd laugh."

Elijah's mouth was open. He stared at Sean in shocked dismay, his eyes wide. "Sean," he breathed. "God, I never, EVER meant... " His voice faltered.

"And now," Sean said. "You three go all over the place together. Half the world thinks you and Dom are lovers… and maybe you are." He ignored Elijah's quick intake of breath. "And I'm pretty basically ignored."

He leaned back against the door again, and gazed at Elijah who was swiping at his eyes with a closed fist.

"Oh, we go places together now and then," Sean told him. "But it's not the same."

'Sean, you know you wouldn't go with us!" Elijah cried. "You know you'd never leave your family to go on a New Year's binge with us in England! Or take another drunken surfer trip to Mexico. You'd never do it!"

"No," Sean agreed. "I probably wouldn't, Elijah." He was silent for a long moment. "But it would have been nice to have been asked." There was another long moment of silence. "It would have been nice to have felt… " Sean shrugged and sighed softly. "... wanted."

"You ARE wanted!" Elijah cried. "Jesus, don't you know how much I want you?" He leaned toward Sean, grasping his shoe in both hards. "You've not let me near you! Not for months! Ever since Lizzy was born, you've been distant from me. And I know it wasn't all because you were busy. You chose to avoid me!"

Sean nodded. "I know. It just seemed... " He shook his head. "... better that way."

"How could that possibly be better?" Elijah asked bitterly. "How?"

Sean sighed. "It was a lot of things. A lot of good reasons I gave myself." He leaned forward too. "My own insecurities, which only got worse after the extended DVD came out. My struggle to lose all that hobbit fat so I wouldn't look like the blob while I was standing next to all you lean young guys."

Elijah's brows knit in a frown; his objection to Sean's statement was written in every line of his face.

"And then," Sean continued, ignoring Elijah's silent repudiation. "There was the 'Two Towers' frenzy beginning, and every time I picked up a magazine there were 20 new pictures of you, looking… "

Sean stopped and looked at Elijah, his breath catching in his throat. Elijah's face was still. His eyes were glowing darkly in the dim lights of the dashboard, and he looked at Sean with a wistful longing that tightened Sean's chest.

"Looking how, Sean?" Elijah said finally, laughing softly. "Like a geek?"

"Looking beautiful," Sean told him in a whisper, reaching without thinking to brush the back of his index finger tenderly down Elijah's cheek.

Elijah's face lifted, becoming slowly luminescent under Sean's touch. His smile radiated an inner joy that streamed from every feature.

And Sean was suddenly reminded of sun breaking through dun skies and how viewing such moments always left him feeling healed.

"Way too beautiful," Sean said, his voice wavering. "To be troubled by the likes of me."

Elijah absorbed the touch for a single beat longer before reacting to the words. "Troubled by you?" He asked, his voice trembling with outrage. "How dare you suggest such a thing to me!"

Sean's hand slowly dropped. "Lij... " he began.

"No!" Elijah told him, sharply. He fell back against the passenger door and stared at Sean, fighting back tears with every ounce of his strength. "How dare you?" He asked again, softer this time. His voice was incredulous. Shaken. "You have to stop this, Sean! Where the hell is this coming from? When have I ever so much as suggested that you were anything other than completely welcomed by me? In every way, Sean! You make unfair assumptions. Then you treat me badly because of how you've decided I feel! You don't ask me how I feel! You don't talk to me! You decide you're shit and dump me because of it without even bothering to have a conversation with me about it."

Sean's teeth closed over his lower lip but his eyes never left Elijah's face. It was clear he was deeply wounded and Sean felt himself break in two with remorse.

"I dunno, babe," he said quietly. "It's just how I've felt. Like I showed more love by staying away. You and Dom... " He gestured uselessly in the air with his hand and dropped his eyes again.

"Me and Dom WHAT?" Elijah asked. "He's my friend, Sean. My good friend. We're not lovers, although we have been in the past."

Sean winced. He'd suspected this, of course, but hearing Elijah actually say the words was terribly hard to bear.

"Why did you wince?" Elijah asked softly. "God knows you didn't want me!"

"Lij, I did! Jesus, I DO!" Sean blurted out. Then, realizing what he'd just said, he pressed his back against the door again and ran his hands wildly through his hair. "God! What am I saying?"

"The truth?" Elijah asked in that same soft voice.

"After Lizzy was born it just seemed best that I keep my distance," Sean said.

"You keep saying that!" Elijah cried. " Best for WHO? Not for me, Sean!"

"And just so you know," Elijah told him. "I chewed Dom out about teasing you. Told him I didn't like it and to knock it off. I just didn't do it in front of you." He leaned toward Sean. "And for that, I'm sorry. I laughed with them because I was young, I was stupid, and I didn't want the way I felt about you to be that obvious." He hesitated for a moment. "For both our sakes."

Sean lifted his head and looked across in the darkness to where Elijah was leaning forward on the seat. He was a mere outline, but Sean could see his eyes shining and his hands moving restlessly.

"You abandoned me, not the other way around," Elijah told him. "And as far as the ex DVD goes... "

Sean waved his hand in dismissal. "Forget it. Forget I said anything. I shouldn't have."

"Sean, stop."

"Lij," Sean said slowly, "There's things you don't know. "

"Oh?"

"God, Lij. How do I tell you about… " Sean waved his hands in front of his body in a gesture of defeat. "I can't, Lij. There's too much. It's too hard."

Sean slumped against the door, trying to think of words that would describe his childhood experiences without, at the same time, condemning his parents. His mother. He raised his hands and covered his face. "There's just no way I can do it," he said unhappily.

"Sean, you asked me not to read your mother's books."

Sean glanced up at him quickly. "Yes," he said keenly, instantly alert. "I did."

"But you didn't ask me not to talk to Mackenzie."

Sean's eyes locked with Elijah's and for a long moment there was silence. Sean tried to speak, but ended up sighing instead. "And?" He finally managed to croak out.

"And he couldn't possibly tell me everything in one night. But he told me enough to help me understand his big brother a little better." Elijah's voice was very soft and Sean felt his throat tighten.

"Lij," he whispered.

"You should have told me, Sean. I deserved to know."

Sean nodded. "Maybe. But, do you have any idea how hard I've fought in my life to get beyond all that? And how hard it is to talk about it without sounding… " he shook his shoulders in disgust. "... pitiful?"

"I've whined on your shoulder enough times. Didn't seem to make you think less of me," Elijah told him slowly.

Sean half smiled. The ache in his throat was nearly unbearable. He knew that trying to speak would obliterate what little self control he had left.

"There are damned good reasons why you're a bit overly concerned with safety," Elijah murmured. He held out his hand to Sean, who slowly leaned forward to take it. "You never felt safe," Elijah said, grasping Sean's hand tight. "You were always afraid. You never knew when the bad times would come again."

Sean nodded. He looked down at their clasped hands and felt a tear track down his cheek.

"And you always worried more about your little brother than you did about yourself," Elijah said quietly. "That much Mac made very clear." He pulled Sean closer. "He says that he was your first 'Frodo'. That you were being Samwise Gamgee for him, when you were 9 years old. Caring for him. Protecting him. Never letting harm come to him. Never even letting him see you cry because it might upset him."

Elijah grasped Sean's hand even tighter, and with the other hand he stroked Sean's cheek softly. His voice was suffused with wonder. "You've always been Sam," he whispered. "It's no wonder you were so perfect, Sean. You've been Sam all your life."

Sean lowered his head and leaned forward until his face rested against Elijah's shoulder. His body shook with stifled sobs. "Lij," he choked. "Lijah." Then he felt arms tight around him and he was crying like a child.

It occurred to him to wonder why he didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed to cry on Elijah's shoulder this way. And with a deepening sense of astonishment he knew the answer.

"Oh, Lij!" He cried suddenly.

"What, Seanie?" Elijah asked.

"I feel like a little kid. But... but not like when I was a little kid. I feel like... " He shook his head and struggled to speak. "I feel like a safe little kid. One who doesn't have to feel afraid to cry." He looked up into Elijah's eyes. "I've never felt like that before."

Elijah stroked his hair and wordlessly pulled Sean tight against him, rocking him. "I can be Sam too," he whispered into Sean's ear. "And you are safe. It's not just you who can protect, you know."

For a long time Sean pressed his face into Elijah's shoulder, crying softly. Giving himself to the feelings. Letting them pour out of him. Knowing he was experiencing something unprecedented in his life. "Lijah," he breathed, finally. "God, Lij, thank you."

Elijah was fighting back tears of his own. He turned his head to kiss away the tears that were still slipping down Sean's cheeks. "Thank me?" He murmured. "God! For what? For giving back a little of what you've always given me? For speaking the truth to you? For loving you?"

Sean raised his head and looked into Elijah's eyes. "Loving me," he whispered.

"Yeah," Elijah replied, still kissing his cheeks. "Loving you."

Sean ducked his head again and nestled his face against Elijah's neck. He let the release take him. He let the healing find him. He sighed deeply and let his spirit rest for a moment in the steadfast arms of the young man who loved him. The young man he loved.

And, like an epiphany, the thought struck him that he had spent his entire life trying to make everyone around him feel secure, but this was the first time in his life that HE had felt secure. He savored the incredible sweetness of the moment, wishing it never had to end.

He whispered Elijah's name and tried to pull him closer, but the storage compartment between them made real contact hard. He eased back from their embrace and stared at it. "I hate this thing," he said quietly.

"Let's rip it out," Elijah said with a wink.

Sean lowered his head and laughed softly. "I have a better idea," he said, pushing Elijah back to his side of the car. "Buckle up."

"Where we going?" Elijah asked, buckling his seat belt quickly.

"Dunno," Sean said. His rear tires spewed sand as he spun the car around and pointed it back down the dirt path to the main road. "Someplace without a storage compartment."

Elijah laughed out loud and pointed first left, then right. "Either direction you go you'll probably find a place like that I think."

Sean winked at him. "And how do you know what I've got in mind?" He asked, still laughing.

Sean stopped the car at the entrance to Highway One. "Hmm," he said quietly. "Left or right." He turned to Elijah. "Life altering decisions, you know. Could change my life forever."

Elijah grimaced at him teasingly. "Right. I've seen 'Dish Dogs', buddy. Best save it for the uninitiated."

Sean looked at him imploringly. "Lij. Help me."

"Left," Elijah said decisively, and watched as Sean wheeled the car to the left and sped down the dark road.

"Where we going?" Sean asked.

"North," Elijah told him.

"Lij!" Sean protested. "I thought you had someplace in mind."

"You asked me to help you decide left or right," Elijah replied quietly. "And I did." He leaned against the passenger door and looked hard at Sean who was quietly chewing his lower lip. "Are we both afraid to say the word 'motel'?"

Sean nodded. "I certainly am!" He said hoarsely. "Oh yes! Scared to fucking death to say it!"

Elijah laughed and turned the CD player on. Peter Gabriel's voice suddenly filled the car. They both listened in silence.

Excepting all I've done and said  
I want to stand and stare again  
Till there's nothing left out  
Oh, it remains there in your eyes.  
Whatever comes and goes  
I will hear your silent call.  
And I will touch this tender wall  
'Til I know I'm home again.

In your eyes, the light, the heat  
In your eyes, I am complete.

 

Sean took a deep breath. One that shuddered with emotion. "That song," he said quietly. "That song."

"Do you hear my silent call, Sean?" Elijah asked, his voice as shaky as Sean's.

Sean turned to look at him, then quickly returned his eyes to the road. Neither of them spoke, The lyrics of Peter Gabriel's opus sang in both their hearts.

In your eyes.. The Light the heat  
In your eyes.. I am complete  
In your eyes.. The resolution  
In your eyes.. To all the fruitless searches  
In your eyes.. I see the doorway  
In your eyes.. To a thousand churches  
In your eyes  
I want to touch the light, the heat I see  
In your eyes.

Sean suddenly spun the wheel and Elijah looked up as the car came to a stop. The words 'Holiday Inn' blazed at him in red neon. He looked over at Sean who grimaced in obvious embarrassment. "Baby, I... I don't know how to do this."

"And you think I DO?" Elijah replied, laughing. "Jesus. Stay here, dufus." He pulled the hood of his jacket up over his head and walked quickly into the motel office.

Sean watched him through the window as he talked animatedly to the clerk, then he saw Elijah reach for his wallet and pull out a credit card. In moments he was back in the car with Sean. "I did it!" He crowed. "Around back," he said, pointing to the drive that circled the motel. "And, hey!" He said, reaching out to nudge Sean's arm. "Our room has a hot tub built IN. Did I do good or what?"

Sean shook his head again, obviously embarrassed. "You did great, baby," he replied. "So, where do I park?"

"There," Elijah said, pointing. "124. That's our room right there."

Sean pulled in and turned the car off. For a moment he sat, staring out the window at nothing. He felt his heart tremble inside him with fear.

"Hey," Elijah said softly, reaching out to touch Sean's arm. "We don't have to do this. We can leave right now. I've already got what I really wanted." Sean leaned toward him and reached out slowly to stroke his cheek. "Second," Elijah said, capturing Sean's hand in his. "We can just go in there and talk. Watch TV. Relax. Just be together."

Sean turned and yanked the keys out of the ignition. "We're not leaving," he said abruptly. "Come on."

They walked to their room and Elijah opened the door. "Hey!" He said excitedly, as they walked into the room. "This is a suite! Cool!"

Sean fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling, feeling tears welling up in his eyes again. He felt himself losing control. Giving in to the fear. Elijah was inspecting the room and Sean heard him call room service and order a bottle of good champagne and a couple of burgers with fries. His food order made Sean laugh and brought a sense of calm back to his heart.

I'm OK if I'm with him, he thought. He'll keep me safe.

He pondered this thought with amazement, then turned his head. "Lij?"

"Yeah? Ordered us some food."

"Good," Sean replied. He held out his hand to Elijah. "C'mere."

Elijah walked over and sat down on the bed beside Sean. He slowly tipped his body over until his forehead was pressed against Sean's arm. After resting there for a moment he turned until he was lying on his side with his head cradled on Sean's shoulder. He felt Sean's arm creep around him and tug him closer.

For a long time they were silent. Then Sean leaned back to look into his eyes. "Do you know how scared I am of all this?"

Elijah rested his hand against Sean's cheek. "Yes, I do know." He was silent for a long moment. "But. Sean, I also know that I care about your family too. And I wish you'd trust in that a little."

Sean felt as though he'd been kicked in the stomach. "God, Elijah, I do trust in that! It's ME that I don't trust. Never have. Don't trust that my feelings for you won't…" he stopped when he heard a loud knock on their door.

Elijah got up to pay for the food and champagne. Neither of them even looked at the food. Elijah poured them each a glass of champagne, but they immediately set their glasses down and lay back down on the bed together. Right now, the only thing that was important to either of them was to be close to each other.

Sean's arm tightened around Elijah, pulling him close. "Stay here. Stay close to me. Please." Sean half turned to face him and his other arm swept around Elijah too, gathering him close, his chin resting on Elijah's head.

"You don't trust that your feelings for me won't.. what, Sean?" Elijah whispered. "Are you afraid I'll ask you to leave your family?"

"No. I was afraid I'd leave them without you saying a word."

Elijah fell silent. "Babe, don't worry about it." Sean said finally. "I was wrong to think of it the way I did. It's not just me, all alone in this thing. It's both of us together. Even if I do go off half cocked, I trust YOU. I know you won't let me do anything rash. I know you're willing to wait until the time is right. I know you care about the girls and Chris. I know you'll help me look out for them."

For a long moment they looked into each other's eyes in perfect trust. Then Elijah lowered his head.

"Sean?" Elijah asked slowly. "Is there a chance that someday you and I…" he didn't get to finish.

"Don't!" Sean said, putting a hand gently over Elijah's mouth. "Don't say it that way. Chance? Chance doesn't enter into it. You and I WILL be together one day. I swear to you. We WILL be together."

"God, Sean," Elijah said, his voice thick with tears. "I couldn't do to your girls what was done to me. I couldn't let you leave them."

"I have no intention of leaving my kids." Sean told him gently. "I'll leave Chris. And that will be very sad. But where ever you and I end up, we'll have a big, huge house… "

"Hmmm!" Elijah interrupted, growling and shaking his head.

Sean hesitated. "Uh, make that a medium, huge house?" He glanced questioningly at Elijah who laughed softly and nodded.

"And in that house will be two bedrooms set aside for the girls. I will get joint custody and when they're with us they'll live in those rooms and you and I will take care of them."

He leaned back and looked at Elijah. "You ready to help me raise two rowdy kids?"

Elijah smiled at him. "Very ready." Then he sighed. "Though I suspect that won't happen for a very long time."

Sean's eyes continued to gaze into his. "Why did you call me tonight?" Sean asked.

He felt Elijah's body shrug and his head shook. Then suddenly his arms were around Sean's neck, locked around him, his face buried against Sean's neck.

"Lij?" Sean queried, worried. "Baby?"

"Do you know what you did to me?" Elijah said in a low voice. "How I felt when you ignored me that way?"

"Baby, baby," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

Elijah pressed his face against Sean's jacket. His voice was filled with pain. "My father . . ." he whispered. "... then you." For a long moment he couldn't speak. Their roles reversed and Elijah was suddenly a child, once again being abandoned by the one person who had meant love, security, and safety.

Sean's eyes closed. The realization of what he had done hit him with stunning force. "Oh Jesus, baby," he breathed. "Forgive me."

"Damn you!" Elijah half-moaned at him. "I hate you for doing that to me! For making me feel that way again."

"I'm sorry," Sean whispered. "God, I'm sorry. I love you, Elijah. Love you so much. I'd never, ever hurt you intentionally." Sean held him tight and rocked Elijah slowly against his body. He pressed his lips against Elijah's ear and whispered again and again: "I love you. I love you." The slender form against his relaxed slightly and Sean pressed his lips against the top of Elijah's head.

"You're right," Sean told him softly. "I did leave you." He heard Elijah's breath catch and quickly rushed to reassure him. "I pulled away because I was afraid of how I feel about you," Sean told him. "It was wrong and I'm sorry. Forgive me."

"You promised!" Elijah told him. "Promised me that day!"

"What day, baby?" Sean asked. "What did I promise?"

"The day we shot... "

He hesitated and Sean pulled him nearer. "Tell me, Elijah. Please. Help me understand, baby."

"The day we shot the Grey Havens," Elijah said softly.

"Oh, God." Sean moaned. He remembered everything. These were their most emotionally devastating scenes. Neither of them could stop crying, even in between takes. Make-up despaired of ever getting them presentable for the camera. But finally Peter was satisfied with the scene and freed them.

Afterward, Sean remembered, Elijah sobbed in his arms as they lay sprawled in a corner of the huge sound stage. He remembered trying to comfort him and how Elijah seemed beyond consolation. "He left!" He kept saying. "How could he leave like that?" And Sean knew he meant his father.

He remembered Elijah looking up at him and blurting out: "You'll leave too!" And he remembered his response: 'I will NEVER leave you! Not ever!" Elijah had looked up at him, wide-eyed, and Sean had shaken his head. "I promise you. I swear to you. I will never leave you, Elijah."

"God," Sean whispered again.

He captured Elijah's face in his hand and turned it until they were staring into each other's eyes. "I won't leave you," Sean said quietly. There was a moment of silence. "I promised then. I promise now. I swear. I will never leave you.

Elijah stared at him, motionless. His eyes were filled with tears. "Just promise me… no Grey Havens!" Elijah pleaded, his voice still choked.

Sean felt the words shiver into his blood like ice water. After a moment he sat them both up and pulled his jacket off. Then he turned to Elijah and tugged on the sleeve of his denim jacket. "Let's take this stuff off," he murmured.

Elijah looked at Sean as he stripped off his jacket and tossed it to the other bed. "All of it?" He asked softly, trying to catch Sean's eye.

Sean blushed and said nothing, refusing to meet Elijah's eyes.

Elijah saw Sean's blush and smiled slowly. He made short work of his clothes and dived under the covers. The last thing Sean needed right now was for him to make a big production out of undressing.

Sean sat down on the side of the bed and fumbled for a moment with his shirt. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, his big hands clenched into fists as he tried to calm their shaking.

Elijah sat up and leaned toward him. "Sean," he whispered. "Open your eyes."

Sean sighed and opened his eyes. Elijah was sitting up with his arms wrapped around his drawn-up knees. His eyes were huge as they stared at Sean. He was completely motionless. Then he took a deep breath. "I love you," he said in a low voice. " I love you."

He dropped his head and, for a moment, said nothing. Then he looked up and straight into Sean's eyes. "More than that, Sean. I'm in love with you. Been in love with you for years. That's my truth. The truth of my heart. That's my bottom line, Sean. You take it where you want it to go. I'm happy just to be with you."

Sean tried to say his name and choked. He reached for Elijah, catching his bare shoulders in two huge hands, pulling him forward slowly, as though he were drawing him through dark, dark water.

And Sean felt like a million pieces of crystal. Ready to shatter. Shivering. Illuminated by the light of another. With a soul that had become transparent to any who wished to view it. And, oh, how he feared that! Being exposed. His weakness revealed.

But it was too late because he was already laid bare to Elijah's eyes. Elijah could see into that place within him where those feelings were buried. And he could hear them in the way Sean moaned as he pulled Elijah into his arms. And he could feel them in the fevered frenzy of Sean's kisses as they cascaded over Elijah's shoulders and throat.

Sean gasped and his gasp frightened him. Even more frightening was the moan that swept from his throat when he exhaled. Echoes in his mind gave meaning to the feelings. Feelings he couldn't spell out in words. Feelings that only seemed definable by the sweetness of sounds he made as his lips moved over Elijah's body.

His self-conscious, embarrassed self looked up, so ready to take this moment. So ready to make shame the reality. But Elijah pressed his lips to Sean's and delivered him from the thought that he need feel anything other than the love they shared.

Sean's arms were around him then, so tightly that breathing became difficult. And Elijah's gentle laugh eased him back just long enough to catch one quick breath before they kissed.

Their open mouths were crushed together, gasping, paralyzed with a hunger so profound that both were staggered. For a long time they didn't move except to grasp with clenching fingers, trying to clutch each other closer. The only sounds were the whimpers and moans and quick inhalations that poured from both of them as their kiss deepened. Their rapture was mindless, and Sean knew he had reached, and passed the most defining moment of his life.

Sean breathed in Elijah's breath, and became dizzy with the thought that he was being sanctified.

Breath is holy, he thought. His breath is my life. He was amazed and wanted so badly to tell Elijah, but he couldn't endure the thought of breaking their kiss, and so he was silent.

Then Elijah leaned back. "Sean," he whispered.

He had obeyed when Elijah signaled that he wanted to lean back, but Sean's body still shook with yearning. He bowed his head, afraid to speak. His hands moved slowly over Elijah's back.

Elijah tried to tug Sean's T-shirt off. "Hey," he murmured, laughing softly. "Sit back and let me do this. Or are you just here to tease and leave?"

"No!" Sean moaned, lifting his head. "No," he said softly. "I just can't seem to…"

Elijah began pulling on the hem of Sean's shirt. "Either you take this damn thing off, or I do!" He muttered.

Sean's hands covered his, but didn't try to stop him. He needed to feel Elijah's fingers pulling on his shirt. His love for Elijah filled him so entirely that he wanted to be part of everything Elijah did. Everything he touched. He wanted to feel him do this.

Elijah looked up at him and smiled, and Sean dared to raise his head and look into those eyes.

"I'd really like it," Elijah said softly. "if you were as naked as I am."

Sean's mouth opened and he tried to speak. "I... uh... I... " His eyes closed and he shook his head in what he hoped conveyed defeat. "Can't," he finally said in a choked voice. "Can't talk."

Elijah's lips brushed against his cheek. "Can you nod?" He asked, smiling against Sean's skin.

Sean's head moved up and down, his cheek rubbing against Elijah's face. He moaned softly and turned his head to kiss Elijah's cheek.

Elijah laughed again. "Can I do this?"

Sean nodded again.

Elijah pulled Sean's shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. Sean's head dropped again, and Elijah sighed.

"OK, Astin," he said, grabbing Sean's shoulders and pushing him back. "Look at me!"

"Can't," Sean murmured.

"I have to know, Sean," Elijah said softly. "What wrong? Are you already sorry? Are you mad? Embarrassed? Do you want me to stop?"

Sean mumbled something unintelligible. "Say it again, baby," Elijah whispered. "Tell me."

Sean turned his head a bit. "I'm scared," he whispered back.

"Scared of what?" Elijah asked. "That this is wrong?"

Sean shook his head and half-laughed. "No," he replied, his voice the softest possible whisper. "I'm scared I won't be any good at it."

Elijah shook his head in return and reached to turn the bedside light off. His hand tugged on the waistband of Sean's jeans. "Sean, take these fucking things off and get in bed with me. We're not going for an Oscar tonight. I don't give a fuck how you perform. I just want to be close to you."

Sean stood up and pulled his jeans off while Elijah moved over to give him room. He dove in beside Elijah and burrowed face down into the pillow, shaking like a leaf.

Elijah lay on the pillow next to his and talked to him softly, fingers gently stroking his hair. "You came to get me. I didn't think you would, Sean. I thought you'd gone away. Like Frodo went away, only this time it was Sam who left. I thought I'd had my Grey Havens. But you came for me."

"God," Elijah whispered, his voice wavering. "God, Sean. I've missed you so."

Sean turned toward him quickly and swept Elijah into his arms. The feeling of Elijah's skin pressed against his overwhelmed him and he wondered for a moment if he'd ever breathe again. He felt Elijah's arms clasped tight around his neck, and in an instant they were holding each other fast.

For the first time since they'd kissed, Sean looked at him. He saw the smile first, then the eyes. Both were brilliant. Both spoke without words of the love Elijah felt for him. "I've wanted you so, Sean," he breathed.

Sean moved his lips slowly from Elijah's neck to his ear, to his lips. He heard and felt Elijah's breath catch in his throat and kissed the corner of Elijah's mouth as softly as he could. "Well," he whispered back, "You've got me."

Elijah's answer was a kiss that left Sean weak with desire. The feeling of those soft, full lips against his was euphoric and in an instant Sean was drowning in bliss. For once he wasn't concerned about being embarrassed or blundering somehow. He allowed himself to flow into this moment with unrestrained passion.

"Want you, Lij," Sean gasped. "Oh, god, want you. Want you."

Elijah pulled Sean on top of him and wrapped both legs around Sean's body. His uncontrollable cries drove Sean to the brink of madness. Their bodies strained against each other, longing for release.

Sean felt as though he could spend the rest of his life marveling at how soft Elijah's skin felt against his as they rocked against each other's bodies. Elijah raised his hips, whimpering, and Sean writhed against him crying his name again and again as if assuring himself that he was real. Tremors of ecstasy shook them both as they climaxed.

For a long, long time there was no sound except for their slowing breath. To Sean, that sound seemed to fill the dark room and he didn't care then if he ever heard any other. He enfolded Elijah even tighter in his arms and spun his body on the bed until they were lying side by side. He waited for the bad feelings to come. He was certain that they would, and he braced himself to deal with them. The embarrassment. The shame. Most of all, the guilt. The terrible guilt.

But surprisingly enough, that wasn't what he felt. Maybe that would come later. But right now making love with Elijah didn't feel like cheating on Chris. In fact, when Sean examined his heart it was more the other way around.

Elijah leaned back a bit and ran his hand gently over Sean's sweat-dampened chest and shoulder. "You've lost so much weight." He sighed. "Not sure I like how fast that happened."

Sean shrugged. "I was under a doctor's care, Elwood. It was fast, but I feel fine."

His thumb traced Elijah's lower lip and he stared at it hungrily. "How is it," he asked quietly. "That you can make me come so hard I nearly die and not ten minutes later have me so hot again that I can scarcely breathe."

"I've done nothing but lay here and try to catch my breath." Elijah replied, with an impish grin. "I take no responsibility what-so-ever for your current condition."

Sean smiled and kissed him. "We're OK now," Sean told him slowly.

"We're together now," Elijah said, pressing his face against Sean's chest.

"I won't let us be apart again, Lij. Not really apart. It may take awhile before we can have the life we want. But I'll make sure that the life we have in the mean time is a good one."

Sean's fingertips traced soft patterns on Elijah's back. He heard Elijah gasp and felt his body stiffen. "Want a demonstration of that good life?" Sean whispered moving his fingers slowly up and down Elijah's spine.

Elijah moaned against Sean's muscular body. His head moved up and down, as he brushed his cheek over the soft fur on Sean's chest. "Yes," he breathed, turning his head to kiss Sean's nipple. "Oh god, yes. Show me. Show me, Sean."

Sean did.

>   
> _He had a love  
>  It was keeping him alive   
> It was someone else ago   
> So he tried to hide it   
> But he knew he'd never let it go _
> 
> The world is falling apart  
> He's getting older   
> And there's a funeral in his heart
> 
> Thunder moving under the mountain   
> Thunder in his dreams   
> Hoping that there must be a word   
> For everything he means   
> 


End file.
